So, not the sunrise, but what is our responsibility? We are surely responsible for looking after ourselves... for what we choose to eat, how much we sleep and if we exercise or not. But what else is in our realm of responsibility? Arguably what we say yes to and to what we say no also falls in that realm. And whether we like it or not, our yes’s and no’s shape our life story (Gillman, 2015). What path do you want to take and what story do you want to create? What boundaries therefore, are necessary to create one's desired life story?
What Are Boundaries?
There are a number of authors and speakers who have penned and spoken interesting and helpful definitions and descriptions of boundaries and their impact. Boundaries are established primarily by what we let in and what we keep out. Boundary work is essential in the realm of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being according to Cloud and Townsend (1992). Dr. Cloud and Dr.Townsend, define boundary as “a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible”. By this definition one could actually set boundaries that create a life of drama instead of peace if our personal property line marks that for which are not actually responsible! When we do that, we can step into playing roles on the drama triangle (Karpman, 1968). The drama triangle, also known as the “dreaded drama triangle” shows what happens when people assume responsibility for that which they are not responsible or perhaps shirk responsibility for what is.
The Dreaded Drama Triangle
In the drama triangle, people have a tendency to play one of these three roles. And the drama really starts when people flip between these three roles as they interact with others. These 3 roles are described as follows:
A Persecutor is someone who puts other people down and therefore acts like they are “one-up” while they discount the others’ value and integrity, often in a spirit of judgement and anger. They can be active or passive in their aggression.
When interacting with a persecutor, every adult has the choice of either relinquishing control & influence to play the victim or step into the winner’s triangle and respond in an assertive and respectful way by defending their boundaries. Setting a boundary is deciding what is okay and what is not okay in the way someone treats you and in how you treat other people.
A Rescuer in the drama triangle also goes one-up. They do more than their share, including thinking for others or doing things for others they were not asked to do. This role crosses other people’s boundaries with the thought that they cannot take care of themselves. Rescuers also tend to say yes when they would prefer to say no and violate their own personal boundary lines. When reading Brene Brown’s description of typical responses to anxiety, she would say that people tend to either over function or under function. A rescuer would be one who over functions to relieve their own anxiety.
A person who plays the Victim tends to under function and does not take responsibility for themselves. They will often feel overwhelmed with their feelings or even be numb to them. They start feeling and acting like everyone else is okay and they are not. Brene Brown would say that some people have a tendency to under function when facing anxiety and correspondingly in Karpman’s language, these people play the victim instead of taking self-responsibility for getting their own needs met.
Each position shows people using ineffective patterns of thoughts and behaviours, in which they are either violating other people’s boundaries or not honouring their own. People playing the persecutor and the rescuer role will see themselves as okay but others as not okay in their value, integrity or ability to think or take care of themselves. People who play the victim think of themselves as “not okay” and they allow others to take over. These ineffective thoughts and behaviours create chaos and a life of drama. Playing these roles makes it difficult to identify and honour one’s own personal needs and values let alone those of other people. Contrast this with the winner’s triangle (Choy, 1990).
The Winner’s Triangle
This triangle is based on the idea that everyone has basic rights and responsibilities. People in this triangle practice setting and defending healthy boundaries predicated on their own and others’ basic rights, needs and values.
Affirmations of Basic Rights
*replace “I” with “they” and repeat
- I have the right to be who I am
- I deserve to be treated respectfully
- I need to take care of myself
- I have the right to express what I feel and think
- I accept that I am imperfect
- No one has the authority to tell me what to feel, what to think, or what to do (Joy Goldman, 2016).
When a person affirms their own and everyone else’s basic rights, and establishes and honours their own yes and no compass, then it is much easier to step into the winner’s triangle and play one of the roles in that triangle, maintain self-care and be more compassionate. According to Brene Brown’s research, maintaining personal boundaries allows one to be genuinely caring towards other people while maintaining their own integrity: “One of the most shocking findings of my work is that the most compassionate people I interviewed over the past 13 years were absolutely the most boundaried”.
So, what are we each responsible for? What do I want to say yes to and to what will I say no? What are my personal boundaries? Do I have any? My choices write my life story and my life story surely is my responsibility. I am not responsible for the sunrise, but I am responsible for setting my personal boundaries and deciding the tenor of my life song.
What is your current story? Are you happy with it? If not, what can you do today to make tomorrow different? Establishing your boundaries plays a role in establishing your path and unfolding story. Allow each sunrise to remind you to let go, enjoy beauty and do only what is yours to do.
Resources
Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No, Dr. Henri Cloud and Dr. John Townsend