Grief and mourning. Pain and suffering. Will I ever be happy again? When suffering a loss, it is easy to wallow. I know. I have. And sometimes, I still do. Feeling and grieving losses are a necessary and cleansing part of the healing process. Loss of a relationship. Loss of a loved one through death or other kinds of separation and severing can create a tangled ball of emotion. My most recent loss comes through the death of my mom. My dear precious mom is better off and I am happy she is no longer in pain and suffering. None the less, a few months short of a year, I still feel sadness and I do miss her acutely at times. The loss of relationship from separation and divorce can also create a tangle of emotions. Denying or avoiding or numbing does not make losses or the tangled emotions go away. These must be faced and felt. Tears have a way of cleansing the soul.
The way through to joy, at least for me, has meant feeling and naming emotions. Naming and feeling everything from disappointment to loneliness, anger, sorrow and naming the losses and wounds have allowed for movement towards recovery. Recovery is possible. I set and achieve goals to take care of myself. I create healthy boundaries and take steps to move, breath provide nourishing food, and thoughtful connections. I connect with nature, self, others, the divine: listening, sharing, laughing and enjoying the good things in life. This process of experiencing loss, acknowledging feelings and letting them go as well as dreaming, visioning, setting goals and taking action steps creates momentum towards change in both my sense of self and my lived experience.
I set in place dreams, goals and strategies for new relationships, experiences and ways of being in this world. It feels good to set and achieve small goals. My greatest learning has been around the importance of patience, faith and establishing satisfying solid connections - to God, self and others. Small changes make way for big results.
Ultimately, my broken heart heals. I experience flashes of pure joy. In early days of grief, I found huge comfort in this scripture: “The Lord has anointed me (Jesus) to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, set the captives free, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isaiah 61:1b – 3a) When I first read and meditated on this verse I identified with broken-heart, mourning, grief, being held captive, ashes (complete and utter loss) and despair. I had occasion to meditate on this verse again and "wow", what a difference!
The words that jump off the page now are: comfort, provide for, beauty, free, joy and praise. Rather than poor, I feel rich. Rather than broken or lost I feel full - satisfied. I am not completely filled with joy at all times, but I am hopeful and experience flashes of pure joy! Praise be to the God of the universe who loves me unconditionally. Such love moves me beyond grief towards joy!